vulnerability - exposing choices
Vulnerability is something artists are constantly living with and struggling with, at leas i know i do. It’s that exposing work that is new and not something you commonly attempt. Sometimes i wonder if i hide my vulnerable side away behind the abstracted object, figure, form or animal for the sake of not exposing myself to my own critical judgement. We all have her sitting on our shoulder, that little annoying voice that constantly mumbles, how it isn’t this or that. her name is perfection Perfection is the demon! I grew up in an atmosphere of striving for perfection, constantly in pursuit of perfection, with nothing being good enough. it could always be better, the marks could be higher, the jumps could be bigger, the footwork cleaner, …. the other side of perfection is she begins to avoid doing things she can’t be perfect at, the feeling of vulnerability and failure, not meeting standards becomes overwhelming. I can find myself frozen. so here we go, I have to often remind myself, what “i” appreciate about art, what “i” admire and that it is as much about the process as the results. The process of creating sculptures is a long, indulging quite moment that allows me to think a lot, recall memories and replay emotions i am trying to force into the clay. “Choices” is a big one, as a woman, i have to acknowledge the way having a reproduction incubator inside my body has forced me to make choices. The choice to have children or not, the choice when to have children, the choice to say oh well, that one wasn’t planned but we will take it anyway, the choice to go to school, work, or stay home, the choice to have a hysterectomy. Remembering what it was like to be pregnant, how the clothes fit, how back them we were encouraged to wear smocks so no could tell, hahaha. So nice that now women are not expected to hide they are pregnant. If we could just get the weirdos to quit picking on breast feeding momma’s. it has been an adventure and one that is not over yet, this is the first group of images showing her progress. have a laugh, and enjoy, each time i go back to her i find a fresh eyes sees something i want to change.
jan 24th, i think Choices is almost finished being sculpted… it has surprised me the journey she has taken me on. As i worked memories of my own times being pregnant came back like breezes blowing through my conscious. recalling the emotional memories, the feelings, all the feelings. reaching for the look on Choices face, the vulnerability, feeling alone, even if i wasn’t, i still did. fear of the future, the responsibility. with fresh eyes i will see her in the morning and i will know what needs to change and what is just right.